Electroshock

Sometimes I want to collapse on the sidewalk and be absorbed by the concrete.

Maybe the sound of rushing water will stop. The constant repetitive rhythm of liquid and air, filling and ebbing. Or I could press my nose against the cold glass while I am hung up high. Pretend that the floor is moving towards me, coming closer. The sun just cuts slits through the clouds. I cannot feel it. The heat escapes too easily. I cannot see what is real. I cannot feel what exists. My mind is grabbing on to fever visions. I wish I could tell you. I wish I could show you the depths. I swim alone in murky waters.

The roads that bleed out. They follow me in the shadows. I can feel it creeping up, begging to break.

Sometimes I just want to be struck and feel the bruised on the fractured.

But how can I ask when it could mean the unraveling? The days repeat; the cycle makes me nauseous. Spin in and spin out, everything the same. I have only three modes now and none of them are fair. If strength is given, why not to me? I try to create change, but care for the rotting. How can you not hate this yet? You will soon tire as you must. But I am prepared for the season. Maybe because I brought it to pass this time. All that is there is the dark, the darkness, the deepening.

This time not alone, I know not how to be here again. Forever and always soon to begin.