La Vie Boheme vs. The American Dream

I was told by someone today that she wished she could live in the moment instead of waiting for the next big thing in the near future. It made me realize that for the past while, I have been doing just that. Waiting for the weekend. Waiting for the event. Waiting for some pending meeting. Whatever it is, it is just waiting. Hoping to God that it is going to get better or be different somehow. Which in turn, only means that time is passing by and I'm rushing past my life.

My whole life I have always wanted to be older than I was. I was out to prove something to everyone. That I was smart and capable and motivated. That I was just as good as those older and more experienced. I blew past high school and college and by the time I was 20, almost every part of my childhood had evaporated. I have been laden with burdens and responsibilities and no way to be young and carefree. Even if I hadn't forced myself to excel, my personality and mind would not have allowed me to be any sort of standard. I have a fear of failure or normalcy or mediocrity. And I have a perfectionism that rears its head in the lowest of times.

So now I am in a position where I could really begin my adult life in a way that I thought I had always wanted. Or I could jump of the edge and see where I land.

It would be crazy to give up great job, the opportunity to own my own place, and eventually a car and MacBook for my music and... and... and... exactly. Could I survive in such materialism? Is there some sort of balance that can be achieved?

It sounds great and in theory it is what everyone works for and some never attain. But all I want to do is be a bohemian in a tiny little room with nothing but time and beauty surrounding me. But it is heavy hand... because to support my love- my music - I need money to pay for gear and studio time. So I either have no time or energy to create it or I have no money to get it out to the world.

I am an old soul and I want a place that is mine. I want peace and comfort. And security is only frightening because of the commitment that is involved.

I know I will never be normal. It just isn't how I'm wired. But I wonder if I can be an independent, responsible and financially sound woman and still be a weird hippie bohemian. And perhaps enjoy the little things like the first cup of coffee on an early summer Saturday morning with the greatest literary giants of the past two centuries in the meanwhile. Appreciate the glow of the tiny, hidden things that no one else gives heed to while not starving and broke.

Can I truly have my cake and eat it too? Maybe I should give it a try... If all else fails, I could sell and bail out and live in a van down buy the river.

So here is to living in the moment... appreciating the world's secrets... being an independent adult... and being my erratic, eclectic self all the while. I guess I will find out if I can make it work in my favor soon enough.