Like Clockwork

I feel like I have died. I am slowly starting to be revived. But I no longer feel like the person I once was, like my youth was taken in one fell swoop. Now that I think about it, I am realizing that this is the second time that I have felt like I have had to start over with a shell of my self. There is something about going through heavy experiences, ones that have long term effects on your mind and body, that make it seems as though you've shed your former being. As though you know too much to see things plainly.

This death and slow new beginning are so hard to explain to anyone outside of my closest friends. If someone has not gone through a similar experience, they have no comprehension of the depth of the damage. People seem to think I have just disappeared, like it was a choice. Or that I no longer care for who and what I used to. But I have spent the last year in deep pain and fear over the unknown and the ever changing. One's health is something that is so easy to take for granted. I had no idea how dehumanizing or how debilitating chronic illness could be. I have dealt with chronic pain for so long, but adding constant illness on top of that is like taking away the ability to be oneself. This has been one of the hardest years of my life. My brain is racing and dying to explore, but my body has been incapable of keeping up. I know that things like this bring character. I know that it has made me appreciate things more than I have before. But I feel as though I am 26 and forced to live as though I'm 86. Always managing pain, always managing symptoms. Every time I feel as though I am on the mend, something pushes me back down. I have to have energy to be able to maintain and build the energy, but have none to start the process with. I am told the residuals could linger for several more years. I feel forced to spend the remaining years of my twenties trying not to explode or fall apart.

On the other hand, I have been made to care for myself in ways that I thought I would not be able to do. I gave up bad habits. I gained better ones. This clanging alarm helped me to establish a way of life at a young age that could save me from the repercussions that appear in old age. But still... I feel very tired of fighting. I feel very tired of crying. I feel very tired of saying no. My choices feel so limited from where I stand. I just have to keep focused on the things that are in my control. And focus on the things that are good in my life. I will never be able to be the person I once was again. But maybe that is more of a blessing than I realize.