So This Is The New Year

It is my birthday today. It has probably been the heaviest birthday I have had for quite some time. I consider myself rather blessed in so many parts of my life. But I cannot ignore the things that are glaring at me. My health has been quite bad almost the entire year since my last birthday.
My job has been a source of constant stress and cause for far too many days of crying to count.
I feel as though my family and I will never be the same again since I so boldly crossed an uncrossable line. They love me but there is still a very palpable shift and I am overrun with guilt. I feel as though every time I make a decision that is closer towards the life I want, I cause them great disappointment.
I have great and many friends, but all of them are also in transition and this is the first time in a long time that I have been this acutely aware of the distance between us. Not of our own making. But people get older, priorities shift and responsibilities suck up too much time to leave much left over.
I know things will get better. I even have hope that they will get better soon. But I have been so drained, emotionally and mentally, that I am having a hard time just maintaining some sense of OK.
I am very lucky to have a solid and healthy relationship. It is one of the few things that eases the discomfort from the difficulties. But I worry so often, despite the denial of it, that I am dragging him down into my turmoil. He is so balanced that I would hate to tip him over into the big mess of my cyclical mind. As a good friend of mine once told me, I feel everything and I feel deeply. It is one of the things that some people like best about me and also one of my biggest burdens.
I do not remember the last time that I was able to be content outside of a very controlled environment. If I stay in the bubble, I can find some sense of calm for awhile. But I cannot just be a hermit. And I cannot breathe inside of my anxiety. It tumbles and falls into other parts. From one aspect to another. I get so worked up and wrapped up in tiny insignificant conversations, spinning around until I want to vomit them out. It makes no sense. It means that I fear being forced to live life at all most days. Because being human means feeling pain and experiencing trauma and not always being good enough. I wonder how people are able to feel as though they can take on the world, when I feel incapable of just dealing with my own tiny piece of the planet. I know that I will come out of this on the other side a stronger and more able person. But the growing pains are leaving marks.